im about as happy as oj after his trial
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
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He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
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Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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