tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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