i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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