Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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