I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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