OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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