there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
