Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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