Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
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I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
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Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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