they said they heard you say put it in my butt
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
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Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
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I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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