Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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