he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
