Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
