Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
