I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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