Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
