Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
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It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
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dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize