I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
