Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
