the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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