Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
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