You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
