I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
