I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
