we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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