I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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