Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
