Can i not drive my cunt home
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
