Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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