Whatcha textin bout Willis?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
