I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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