So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Life without a bra equals bliss.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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