I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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