all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
