Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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