Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Welp...herpes.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
