Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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