How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
