I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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