My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
