I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
