What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
