Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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