I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
