They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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