I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
4 words: hood of his car
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
