I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
