the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
