hell yes lets make some ravioli
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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