I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
