I am midnight drunk by noon
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
