I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
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I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
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I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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