I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
