Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
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I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
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He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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