do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
